Story 8 : Hatred for an abusive father - I hated being a male & want to look like mother

My Story.

I started getting serious about dressing when I was 13-14.

At this time I used to watch my mother sun-bake in her bikini and I was fascinated by the female body. My mother was a very beautiful and sexy woman.

I adored her and any other female who looked after themselves. I look after myself and watch what I eat just like we all should. I want to fit into sexy dresses and stay that way.

I think I have to start from the beginning.

For the first 14 years of my live all I had known was abuse from my father. Even though they divorce when I was 9, he would not leave us alone and we had to move many times to try to lose him but he would fine us again. He was very violent to my mother and I hated him for that. As far as I can remember I didn't want to be a male. I didn't want to be like him. I hated being a male for a very long time. So l looked towards my mother as a role model. My father is an idiot because he abused and lost a very sweet, loving, cute and sexy woman and a loving mother to his children.

To give you an idea of my mother. when you look at my avatar which is me you are also looking at my mother. I am like her in many ways. Perhaps nature make a mistake with me and I should be in a female body. My mother has no daughters. When I was about 6-7, my mother caught me wearing her high hells and she wanted to know what I was doing. I told her I wanted to grow up and be a beautiful girl just like her. She told me that I can't because I am a boy. I told her as serious as a 6-7 year old can be that I will try. The look on her face is a memory that I will take to my grave. Her face was full of love and I think she almost cried tears of joy and she gave me a huge hug. She was so beautiful and at that time, she was 26 years old and looked a lot younger than her years. A lot younger. People could not believe she was my mother. They thought she was my sister until my late teens.

My mother told me that when she was about 15-16 she was stopped in the street and was offered a modeling job in a fashion magazine. She didn't take up the offer to her later regret. She also tells me that it was hard to have girl friends as they became jealous of her for all the attention my mother was getting from the boys. When I was still at school, my friends where very jealous of me because I lived under the same roof as my mother. My friends told me things that they wanted to do to her that made me very embarrassed and proud of her at the same time. They kept thinking she was my sister.

You now get the idea about my mother. I hated being a male and I wanted so much to be like her. Because I hated being a male I have never had much confidence in being a male and not many girls took much notice of me. You could say I was attention starved and I think I still am. I have not had many relationships at all in my life. I lost my virginity when I was 21 to a prostitute, only one girl would have me before that and we where only 14 at that time when she gave me a condom. I have no confidence and hated to be a male because I was so afraid to hurt like my father has done and so no one else would have me so I had to pay someone to have me out of my frustration. Sure I got attention from my mother but I could not love her as a lover as much as I wished. She was the only female to love me for what I am. So I think that is natural for me to want her as a lover when I was in my early teens and the hormones where starting to rage in me.

I had many chances to try. but I am getting away from the topic of this group.

When I was about 14, my mother used to brush my long hair just like mother and daughter with her sitting very close to me between my legs. very close. If my friends seen this I would be very embarrassed for letting her treat me as a sissy and at the same time they would be very jealous of me for having a beautiful woman between my legs that close. And I was embarrassed because of strange feelings that was growing between my legs. Then she once she stopped brushing my long hair and held my face in her soft and loving hands and told me that I looked like her when she was my age and said that my hair is wasted on a boy. Remember she has no daughters. I would of been dressing in her clothes at this time.

I kept to my promise as a 6 year old that I will try to be a girl just like her.

It was also around this time that she caught me wearing her best sexy dress and heels. she was not afraid to show off her assets. She just closed the door to her room and left me to get undressed and tidy up.

She never said anything because she already knew. before she caught me in her dress there was a time that I forgot to put her pantyhose away and asked me if I had being in her drawers. I tried to act innocent and said no through a very red blush. I think my blush gave me away. She said nothing so I took that as it ok, its fine by her to keep going.

Later after catching me dressed up, we where watching a show on the TV about female impersonators. My mother just said why don't I do that because I would be good at it and make a lot of money for something that comes natural to me and she would support and help me all the way. I was just stunned to say the least and my face felt very hot and red. I pretended not to listen. I was so stupid and young. I should of jumped up and went over and kissed her. That would of been a dream come true. That would be my biggest regret in my life. I am sorry for the fun times we could of had as mother and daughter. Because she had no daughters, I could of returned her love and provided her with one. I could of been both a son and a daughter for her.

If only I could turn back the hands of time and taken up her offer. My mother is the only female who understands me and loves me for who I am with all my faults. I mean unconditional love. No matter what. I have been "loved" by some females but under conditions. I had one who compared me with her abusive ex-husband when I acted weird at the very few times when things got tough between us. That is not fair and is very wrong, I am me not him and giving me more reasons to hate myself as a male.

When I am dressed up I am at piece within myself and my male anger at myself for being a male is no more and this anger makes me do stupid things and I always fall in love with the wrong females who wont listen or understand me and why I do stupid things. I feel complete and loved when dressed up. I love how it takes way my pain and feel at piece. I have became a beautiful girl like my mother as I said as a 6 year old.

Thank you all you abusive males out there for making my male life tough.

Sorry that this is long.



I thank you if your read to this line.